


seven years

by flowerhyunjins



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: GUYS WAIT, IRL, M/M, Suicide, ages are a little fucked, also chan named his diary seungmin, backstory is in the beginning notes, basically everyone is the same age, but thats never mentioned, except for woojin and jeongin, i dont hate kids, i dont particularly like kids either, idk missing i guess, jeongin is 2 years younger, jisung is aromantic, listen guys, or hyunjin/woojin, seungmin is like, trigger warning, woojin is 2 years older, you could argue woojin/jeongin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-19
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-05-10 06:27:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14731670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerhyunjins/pseuds/flowerhyunjins
Summary: chan doesn’t know if it’s a good thing. chan doesn’t want to think about it.or, in which at age 14, chan is getting a baby sister.





	seven years

**Author's Note:**

> at the age of 5, chan had a childhood friend named kim seungmin. kids are clumsy, and they often stray away from their parents. one day seungmin stopped coming to school, and he remembered seeing his mom talk to seungmin’s mom, who was crying. he never understood what happened, but he missed seungmin, and that’s all he knew.
> 
> now at age 14, chan named his diary after seungmin to help him with the feeling of loss he’d been carrying around for 9 years.
> 
> ~
> 
> family member clarification! chan has two younger siblings; one sister and one brother. his mom is about to have another child. his dad doesn’t have his emotions in control. chan also has a pomeranian named hachi.
> 
> ~
> 
> GUYS TRIGGER WARNING THERE IS SUICIDE IN THIS PLEASE DONT READ IF THAT EASILY AFFECTS YOU JFKAHSFHKDKADJAS

—21/05/18

dear seungmin,

it’s been a while since i’ve talked to you, or even seen you, but woojin hyung says that maybe a diary could help contain all my thoughts. he said it wasn’t good to keep them all locked up inside me, so here i am.

i’m only following his words because i really do want to get better. i don’t like waking up and wondering what horrors today might bring, or how badly i can fuck up in what short amount of time to make everything go downhill. i don’t like the way my heart speeds up every time i hear dad come home. i don’t like being so afraid of everything.

i know you’re confused, so i’ll explain things to you. last night, i ate at a restaurant with my family. i don’t know what happened, but the last thing i knew was that everyone was in the living room and dad was screaming at all of us. i didn’t even talk to him much the whole night. i never knew why he was so pissed, but he directed some of his words at me, so it should have been my fault right? he said his sisters didn’t like me and my siblings because we didn’t respect them. why cant he know? why cant he realize that every time we drive to go visit them, i think of the words i can and cannot say over and over again in my mind. i think of what i will do and what i wont do while we are there, and i wish i could protect my siblings and tell them how to act so they wont hate us more, but i don’t know how.

but that’s for another day. right now i’m writing because i’ve just gotten home to the news that mom is pregnant again after 11 years. my brother and sister seem to be okay with the idea, but i couldn’t help myself. i told them i had no opinions, but i have so much in my mind. i keep thinking about everything that might happen. i’m once again afraid. i’m afraid that something will go wrong and i’ll end up losing mom. i’m afraid of the changes that are going to be made. the house is too small, we’ll have to move. dad is already complaining about how the school fees are so high, i don’t know if i can take another complaint from him. especially if another member of the family is added.

i don’t want things to get worse. i’m afraid that everything will go bad, and eventually it’ll be harder for me to recover. i want things to stay the way they are right now, because i’m on the verge of breaking. if this new child means more trouble, i might break for good in the end, and i don’t want to. i know hachi will miss me if i go. i cant bear to think of what woojin hyung, or felix, changbin, and jisung would become like. i don’t want to imagine. it’ll make everything so much harder.

so i’ll do it when i’m legal, when i turn 21. that way, i’m an adult, and i can make my own decisions and make my own money. the child will be 7 years old; 14 years younger than i am. losing a sibling for them must be hard, but we would barely even know each other. it shouldn’t hurt too much for them.

but that’s where it all contradicts itself. you see, seungmin, we will never be close. i will never know them like i know my sister, who’s only one and a half years younger than i am. i will never be able to protect them if dad gets mad at them, but then again, what did i do all those times dad yelled at my brother like his life depended on it? what was i doing when he was crying and dad just continued to yell and curse at him for being “weak?”

nothing, seungmin. i did nothing. i just sat there and watched, frozen in my place. i didn’t even try to stop him.

i did nothing.

 

—12/06/18

dear seungmin,

it’s been a little less than a month. it’s not obvious that mom’s pregnant, but it’s getting more obvious day by day. i still don’t know how to feel. i’m still afraid of everything. it’s getting worse now that school is over. i don’t get to see my friends everyday. so far, they’re the only comfort i get. i won’t see them in at least one and a half months, and i don’t know if i can last that long without them. i couldn’t even last a week without them.

what’s going to happen to me?

 

—30/07/18

dear seungmin,

i’m sorry i forgot to write. i’ve been so caught up in new music that i must have forgotten. but now here i am. woojin hyung reminded me of it while we were calling this afternoon, so now i’m writing at night. the weather is extremely hot. every time i go see my friends now, changbin doesn’t even wear dark colours anymore, but they’re not particularly bright either. however, it was a prominent change, and felix teased him a lot for it. changbin seemed irritated, but i knew deep down in his heart he could never get mad at felix. i think we all knew that.

besides that, i think dad’s temper issues boiled down a bit because of the pregnancy. he’s a little more patient, so i’m trying to enjoy it as much i can while it lasts. i’m afraid this is all going to come crashing back down on me though. maybe soon a whole month, or even a whole year of bad luck is going to wash over me. if that’s the case, i’m not ready.

i need you here by my side. i need the real you.

 

—29/08/18

dear seungmin,

school started a few days ago. i heard from jisung that changbin and felix are officially together now, but they’d like to keep it low. every one of our friends know, except for you, but that’s exactly why i’m telling you now. i think changbin and felix make a great duo. they’ve been friends for quite a while, and even at first glance, before they got together, you knew they’d end up with each other. it was like it was fate.

woojin hyung’s been checking in on us. don’t worry, he hasn’t read anything. he’s just making sure i’m writing everyday. he thinks i don’t like it, but in reality, i love writing to you now. i feel like there’s another friend i can always confide in, and to know that you wont judge me or try to give me advice i don’t need makes me feel safe around you. that’s why i always have you with me, especially on the bad days.

seungmin, they say that a person is the most creative when they’re at their lowest or their highest. if i’m writing to you now, does that mean my life has been successfully improving since woojin told me to write? because i’m not crying like i did the first time i wrote, and i don’t feel any sense of impending doom in my chest at the moment. i feel…at peace. and it weird because i’ve never felt this way before and i never thought i’d ever feel this way.

i can hear mom calling for me now. she’s doing okay, i think. i have to go now. i’ll talk to you soon, seungmin.

 

—15/09/18

dear seungminnie,

we just finished celebrating both jisung and felix’s birthday tonight! woojin hyung, me, changbin, jisung, and felix managed to keep the call going on until midnight. so now yesterday was jisung’s birthday, and today it’s felix’s! it’s pretty late as i write this right now, but i have so much energy after the amount of laughter that happened in the call, so i decided to write.

your birthday’s soon too, right seungmin? it’s on the 22nd, if i recall correctly. i wont forget to celebrate it too, because you’re out there somewhere and i want you to know that if you want to come back soon, you should. it’s been so long, i miss you. i would love to introduce you to all my friends. you’ll definitely love hyunjin. i don’t talk about him much, since we aren’t very close, but i know you’d love him, and he’d love you. you guys are like changbin and felix on a platonic level!

it’s getting pretty late, and i’m a little tired. i hope you come back soon seungmin. i miss you.

 

—03/10/18

dear seungminnie,

i don’t know if today was a success. i don’t even know if it actually happened or not.

it was my birthday today. i promised my friends i’d hang out tomorrow since my family insisted i celebrate it with them today. i had to meet dads sisters today, my aunts, and i have never been more deathly terrified of them.

i know it’s been months since what dad said to me, but i still can’t stop thinking about it. i rehearse my lines more often and more seriously in the car now. i look at them and i don’t see the usual warm light anymore, i see right through it. now all their words make so much sense. they aren’t weird, they’re just speaking their minds. they do hate me.

if they really did hate me i don’t know why they still decided to see me. i don’t know why they gave enough shits about the fact that i’m 15 today. i don’t feel like anyone deserved to celebrate today other than you and my friends. i want to see my friends again. i missed all of you. today was exhausting. i wonder how jisung still managed to have the energy to stay up with all of us that night for felix’s birthday. nevertheless, i’m glad he did. having everyone there with us made me feel at home. my real home.

i hope you’re doing well out there. come back soon, okay? we all miss you and are dying to see you again.

 

—14/11/18

dear seungminnie,

i don’t know why i’m writing. mom found the diary and asked me about it. thankfully, she only read the latest entry, and not the first one. that would have resulted in a much worse consequence, as bad as the one i just received was.

it was harrowing. to know someone else, a stranger, an unwanted person, had invaded your home. the only place you felt safe in. i’m sorry that someone else had to read our conversations together. i promise to hide and take care of you better. you deserve it all seungmin.

other than that, something happened at school today. jisung came running to me, saying that a boy named lee minho had told felix that he had a crush on me. i found that a little hard to believe, partially because we had never been proper friends before, but mostly because i didn’t understand why he liked me. there’s nothing about me to love. maybe he thinks so, but once he got to know me, i’m sure he’d lose feelings.

in fact, felix let him talk to me today over text. we talked a little, about school and homework and some gossip he heard, but nothing beyond that. he’s pretty interesting and quirky. i think i’d like him as a friend at the moment. maybe he could join me, woojin hyung, hyunjin, jisung, changbin, and felix. that would be pretty cool. minho would fit in well with us.

come home soon, seungminnie. i’m dying to talk to you. all i have are these letters and pieces of you that are slowly fading.

 

—30/12/18

dear seungminnie,

i feel a little dumb now, in all those other letters, asking you to come home. mom told me today that you went missing years ago, and the police couldn’t find you. why did you run off like that, seungminnie? what were you thinking? what happened? what caught your eye and made you stray away? who did it? i miss you so much. why cant you come back? where are you seungminnie? are you okay? are you…alive?

i wont talk about the things that happened today. partially because nothing interesting happened, and i want to talk to you for once. i want to tell you that if you are out there somewhere, i will find you one day. i’ll pull you out and i’ll bring you back to your parents and make everything right again. you have to hang in there. i don’t know where you are or how you are, but i need you. please. just hang in there a little more.

 

—02/01/19

dear seungminnie,

i spent new years with my friends yesterday. you should have been there. jisung took hyunjin with him and hyunjin is actually pretty cool. i got along really well with him. we were all in jisung’s apartment for a sleepover. it was like a dream. i felt like i was in a trance. the air was cold and snow was still falling when i stood at the balcony. i was with minho, and we were talking about new year goals, or maybe how stupid they were, but still discussed what we wanted to achieve this year.

then, he told me he wanted to be able to say he was at peace with himself this year. we stayed quiet for a while, and i thought about his goal. i thought it was a good goal, and i looked at him, and i saw him looking down on the streets, and i remember thinking he looked so beautiful. it was true, seungmin. snowflakes littered his dark brown hair, and he looked like real angel. his eyes looked like they held the galaxy in them, and it was such a beautiful sight.

so what did i do? i kissed him.

it was small, and soft, on the cheek, and as soon as my lips touched his cheek, i felt myself grow nervous yet excited. what was the term again? oh, _butterflies_.

after that, we went to go join the others in the living room. blankets and pillows were scattered all over the room, and it may seem like a small place, but it was cozy and fit all 7 of us. we stayed up until the ungodly hours of the morning, watching movies and eating junk food and laughing together. felix and changbin took up the whole couch. woojin, hyunjin, and jisung were messing around together and were to busy to notice minho and i in the corner. we sat facing each other, cross legged and holding hands. his hand was soft and warm, despite the cold weather. he made me feel happy that night.

seungmin, i think i’m in love with minho. i know that i said this wasn’t important 2 months ago, but in that amount of time, i’ve grown much closer with him, and i’ve discovered things about him that…attract me. i don’t know a better term for it, i've never been good with words, but i figure attract would do. whenever i’m with him, i feel okay. i feel like things can get better, and that minho was worth living for, much like you and all my friends, but on a more intimate level. i really love the way he woke up early today and cooked us all breakfast. i feel like that’s something you would have done.

we’re all staying together until the afternoon to hang out, then we’d go home. it’s been very fun as this is the first time i’ve been away from my family for so long, and if i were to be honest, it made me happy and scared at the same time. what if my parents secretly didn’t approve of me hanging out with my friends for too long? what if dad had gotten mad at the family again today? it terrified me to think i wasn’t there to help my siblings, or mom. she’s 9 months in now. i’m not very pleased.

however, i have my friends. i have minho. i always have you. things will be fine.

 

—01/02/19

dear seungminnie,

it’s a girl. mom made it. i’m happy my sister now has a friend, even though their age gap is significantly large. dad drove home very slowly today, so as to not wake the baby. i think he’s happy. mom is definitely happy. i’m just concerned about how this will affect the future. our financial situation, our house, everything else. mom even said we might have to give hachi away for a while. i don’t want her to go. i love her too much. she’ll miss us too much. i don’t want her to feel sad.

i will stop talking about sad things now. minho and i got together the very next day after the sleepover. the 3rd of january. i cant tell mom or dad yet, but it’s more like i don’t want them to know. i had to keep minho, someone so pure, away from my family. i couldn’t corrupt him like that. he didn’t deserve it.

woojin brought in someone new named yang jeongin. he was 2 years younger than us, and a full 4 years younger than woojin. our group grew from 5 to 8 now. 9 including you, seungminnie. jeongin and hyunjin are now our newest additions, and they even got along well. our group is very stable, and i’m glad for that. it was a great, well deserved break from home. i’m starting to enjoy school for this sole purpose. i love my friends, and i love my boyfriend, and if things at home got a little easier, maybe life would be perfect.

 

—22/05/20

dear seungminnie,

it’s been officially a year that i’ve started to write to you! i’ve accepted your fate in my heart, but just so you know, i will always take you in if you did come back one day.

other than that, it’s been a year and a half since i’ve accepted minho’s love and vice versa. i think it’s one of the best things i’ve done in my life. i’m happy with where i am in life right now. changbin and felix are going strong, and hyunjin, jisung, and jeongin are still making trouble like they always do. woojin grew tired of stopping them long ago. i think i understand him, because before he started hanging out with us, i had to keep jisung and felix in control, and it was tiring. he has to do double of what i couldn’t.

did i tell you we’re planning a road trip together? my parents agreed just because the baby is almost a year old now and it’s easier to take care of her. also, woojin is 18, so they were okay since we had an “adult“ with us. jeongin was still 14, so it took a while to convince his parents to let him go, but it worked anyway under the condition that he called them every night. i know jisung wont be letting that go for a long time.

everything’s getting better, seungminnie. i feel everything slowly piecing itself back together. i think i’ll be okay. i think i’ll make it past 21.

 

—03/05/21

dear seungminnie,

have you ever experienced the feeling of losing someone in your family? or someone close to you? maybe not. or maybe so. did you know what happened? did you feel sad? did you understand what happened? but really, what i wanted to ask was, how did you get through it?

i cant get through this one, seungmin. i can't take it anymore. hachi was too old. it was all so...fast. it didn't even feel like 10 years. don’t want to feel anymore. i cant feel anything anymore. it’s so empty. everything feels so wrong. there’s no one barking anymore when we enter the door. i cant cuddle her on particularly bad days anymore. i dont have to feed her every morning anymore and it all feels so _wrong_. there's something missing and nothing's going to help anymore.

so now here i am as i read up articles about you. i know it’s a bad idea, that i would just get angry and confused all over again, but anything, _anything_ to take my mind off reality. i cant bear to think about anything anymore.

they had a search party going on for so long. why couldn’t they find you? where are you seungmin? where did you go? why couldn’t i save you? why can’t i ever save anyone?

 

—16/05/22

dear seungminnie,

i know i write less frequently now, but i missed you so much. i want to tell you how things have been lately.

toddlers are annoying, as i’ve learned. i try not to associate myself with her, but at the end of the day, all i want to do is be able to protect her if my dad tries hurting her like he hurt me. i have only 3 or less years with her, and i want to tell her i love her, but i don’t know if i do. i’m barely at home too now. most days, i’m with woojin, helping him with college, or with minho, sorting out our college applications. changbin and felix have been accepted into their first choice colleges. they’re different campuses, but they’re close by. they’d probably be visiting each other a lot. hyunjin and jisung are going to the same college. jeongin’s still two years away, so we’re mainly helping him with passing junior year at the moment. jeongin doesn’t seem to be struggling a lot, which relieved us. he was smart. he’d make it.

i wonder where you’d go if you were here. we were both so young. i didn’t know much about what you wanted to be, but you mentioned being a singer one time. would you consider a performing arts kind of school? would you audition for an entertainment company? most of them are going to be left unanswered, but don’t worry, i’m coming to see you soon.

wait for me.

 

—05/05/23

dear seungminnie,

college is not easy, but it’s not that hard either. it’s been pretty fun so far. i’ve made new friends. minho and i moved into an apartment together, and i’m still very much in love with him as i was 4 years ago. the whole group met up again a few days ago and ate ramen together, jeongin is about to finish senior year, and i cant believe how fast he’s growing. it felt like just yesterday we were 16 and going on a road trip together.

just as we had predicted, jisung didn’t let go of how jeongin had to call his parents every night. now that i thought of it, it was something i should have envied, but i didn’t. jeongin had a magnificent relationship with his parents, whereas i, even back then, had the worst one ever. even now, i barely talk to them. i wonder how my sister is doing. i had just disappeared like that from her life when she was only 5. did she even know who i was? would she recognize me? did dad still have his temper issues? what about mom? how was she? and my siblings? my sister was in the same grade as jeongin was. was she applying for college now? where is she going?

even though i have questions and concerns, i will not call. i am afraid of what they would say, but above all i want to avoid them as much as possible. if i was truly destined to die at 21, then it’d be best not to make ties with them.

however, that included minho.

i cannot let minho go, or my friends, or you. the only thing preventing me from ending everything so early were you guys, and i cant let you all go just like that. you all mean too much to me. i know it will hurt when i’m gone, but i cannot afford to hurt anyone, or myself anymore in this world. college just gets harder, and so does life. it’s stupid, but i’m basically saying i’m taking the cowardly way out.

i’m sorry if i let you down seungmin. but at least then, i’d get to see you a little faster.

 

—23/05/24

dear seungminnie,

i think minho knows what im trying to do. with every month that passes, he’s gotten more observant and clingy. i never did mind, but this was making it harder for me to leave. i wanted to leave, but i didn’t want to leave him. it's selfish, but it’s the way i feel, even though it’s not always right.

dad’s temper has been coming back. the child is now 5. my sister is 19, and my brother is 17. i hear dad yells at them but not at the child. he yells at my brother the most. i don’t know what for, and i don’t know why, and how bad it is, but i don’t think i want to know. what i do know is that he’s pretending i never existed, and that he’s saying he's always had only 3 kids in the beginning, my sister being the oldest. it’s because i don’t visit, or call. it’s because i grew distant, but in my eyes, it’s not my fault. of course it isn't. i don’t think anyone would have wanted to go back to a place where they felt so oppressed at all times. i know i wouldn’t. even though it was my family.

in the end, seungminnie, i have to pluck up my courage to end things. i know i'll only be a burden if i continue with life. i will be destroying people, but they can learn to go on without me eventually. i would hurt people less by going now, rather than staying alive and sticking with them. this world was never my home, i was just passing through. after all the childhood trauma and emotional insecurities, i took refuge in people i considered trustworthy, and i’m glad so i found the 8 of you. if it weren’t for you guys, i don't think i would have made it this far.

 

—01/05/25

dear seungmin,

i don’t know if you know who i am, but let me introduce myself. hi, i’m lee minho. i assume that chan’s been writing in this diary for years now, so i’ll update you on things now.

i will not read chan’s past logs out of respect, because i knew he’s always hated people reading what he wrote, so i will leave those parts closed. i have no knowledge of what he’s informed you of, so i will try my best and make all of this make sense to you.

assuming you know everyone we’re friends with, everyone was at chan’s funeral service today. i remember how back in highschool, he said his dad probably wouldn’t give enough shits to give him a funeral service, and he was right. in the end, it was the 7 of us who paid for the service. no one from his family showed up except for his sister. i saw woojin talk to her for a while, but then she had to leave. i'm glad she did. maybe a part of her still cared for the chan she once knew.

i think among us all, jisung cried the most. after all, he did go through the most with chan. woojin tried to keep it all in, but i saw him in his car after the service. safe to say, none of us really had it together after that. i don’t think things will ever be the same again after this, but i know that chan would want them to be, so i’ll try my best to piece our group back together, whatever the cost.

if i had to tell you one thing that i knew for sure, it’d be that i miss chan terribly. it hurts to know that among the millions of ways i could’ve possibly lost him, this had to be the way. why did it have to end this way?

i didn’t even know he was going through so much pain. sometimes, i thought maybe if i had known, if i had noticed a little more, if i had _done something_ , then i could’ve stopped this and he’d still be here. then i could still hear him singing in the shower, or eat instant ramen with him at 2 in the morning, or sing him to sleep like he always wanted. i regret not spending as much time as i could have with him. i wish i had more time. i wish chan was still here. why did everyone have to hurt him so much? why couldn’t they just leave him alone? he doesn’t deserve any of this, seungmin. i think you and i both know that.

i’m afraid of jisung’s well being. i know he and hyunjin are particularly close now, so i’m trusting hyunjin. jeongin and woojin would never do such a thing, and changbin and felix had each other.

but me? i don't think i had anyone. not anymore, at least. i think that’s why my phone’s been ringing non stop for the past half hour. everyone’s worried, and i’ll tell them i’m fine soon. i need time alone, and i just have one last thing to say to you.

thank you for keeping chan safe after all these years. thank you for being someone- or something (?), that chan took comfort in. thank you for having his back when i couldn’t. thank you for saving him as many times as you could.

thank you, for being there for him when we couldn’t.

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly have no idea what i was thinking when i wrote this. it was 1:30AM and i was delirious but hey, i got it done.


End file.
